Before I was old, I was cool. My friends, my music, my hair, my clothes, my loathing of anything mainstream, my whole Woodstock world — cooler than any cool in history. All of it defined me. I will be this way forever. Kids envy it. They wear peace signs. They buy Led Zeppelin albums. Yeah, dream on. You’ll never be as cool as me.

Marketers need to do a better job of acknowledging the person that, at some level, I still think I am. I may be a guy in his fifties with gray hair and a body gone to shit, but when I look in the mirror there’s still a nineteen year-old hippie looking back.

For instance, I have money now and I like it. But deep down, I still hate people with money. I can’t help it. I just know they would’ve voted for Nixon and listened to The Carpenters.

Seriously, watching commercials about where to put my money does make me feel old and a little conflicted. So, if you want my business, don’t insult my intelligence by talking to me the way you would’ve talked to my Dad (by the way, he still doesn’t have any money).

My advice to TD Ameritrade: fire Sam Waterston. He doesn’t make me trust you, he makes me mistrust you. He’s a starchy celebrity whom you hired to help you seem safe and respectable — as if anyone still considers any financial institution to be safe and respectable.

You want to pitch me with an old celebrity? Give me Iggy Pop. Him, I can connect with emotionally. He came by his money honestly…by going out on stage every night and mutilating himself.